


Hello world, let me introduce myself.

by SamIsActuallyACat



Category: Original Work
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Therapy, Trans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:42:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27924721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamIsActuallyACat/pseuds/SamIsActuallyACat
Summary: Hello world, this is me. I have not always been as well as I am now. I did not always love myself. In fact, I really hated myself. I hated my life. I wanted to end it. I have come a long way since then, and I want to give you a little piece of my story.





	Hello world, let me introduce myself.

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to post this to let other people see how far I've come.
> 
> All names used except my own were changed for privacy reasons.
> 
> There are references to self harm and suicidal thoughts.
> 
> I talk about dysphoria as well.
> 
> Do not read when you are easily triggered by this.

I was planning to meet up with my friends that day. I was again feeling disconnected when looking in the mirror. I looked at my hair that was so long it reached my hips. I looked at it at the top, seeing my face with the high cheekbones and the naturally long eyelashes. My gaze followed my hair to the bottom, examining my extremely feminine curves. I looked into my eyes again and told myself "I am a girl. I always have been and always will be a girl." It was the first time I ever understood that this feeling that was making me want to die had something to do with my gender. In a sudden fit of rage, I took the scissors and, instead of cutting my skin like I normally would, I cut my hair with only the help of the blurry picture in the mirror which made me realise I was crying.

I threw away the huge amount of hair I cut off and calmed down a little bit. I thought about wearing the floral shirt I originally planned to wear, but quickly discarded that idea and put on a simple black jacket over an oversized white shirt instead, along with my usual jeans. I knew my hair just had to look like shit, so I put on a hat as well. After I was fully dressed, I looked into the mirror again and after a few seconds, the picture became blurry again. I was crying, but not of rage. I was crying because what I saw looked so much more like me than anything I ever saw in the mirror before.

A few weeks later, I learned about dysphoria and what being trans means. And again, the strong feeling of relief put tears in my eyes. I told a couple of my friends, but didn't really know what to do still. At the end of that school year, just days later, I sat in a school writing project with a couple of my friends. At another table sat two girls and one boy, all much younger than us. The teacher started to go through the list of names, and I felt really uncomfortable again, as always. "Rachel?" said the teacher. And then, the young boy spoke up. "Yeah I'm here! But I'm John now." I was shocked, but also felt hope and then I realised "A name! That seems like a good place to start." I had already fixed my hair and bought some a little more masculine clothes at that point. In the break, I talked to my friends and we came up with Sam. I started going by that at the start of the next school year. That was three and a half years ago.

Hello world, I am Samuel. That is my name because I really like the letter S and just feel much more at home with that name than with any other.  
My second name is Leon. I chose that one because I always dreamed of being as strong as a lion as a kid, and I really like them. I grew up in a religious family and liked to pretend that I was Simson, the guy with long hair that was stronger than them all, even stronger than lions.

I have come to a point now where I can look into the mirror and be okay with what I see, as long as I am dressed. I can now talk to people without wanting to shoot myself just because of my then fragile, silent, feminine voice. I can do basic, human tasks without hating myself. The hate that I get from others for that is just nothing compared to all of the things I have accomplished.

Hello world, I am Samuel. You can call me Sam if you want to. Leon is also okay, but I'm not yet used to that one. I have short hair, but I'm lazy so it gets a little long sometimes. I almost sound exactly like my brother did during puberty. I love wearing oversized clothing, but my shoulders slowly get a little broader and I like to show that off, so I don't always go for that.

Hello world, I have learned to love myself.

**Author's Note:**

> My scars have healed. Physically and mentally. I still get bad days or even weeks, but I am so much better now. Please seek out a therapist if you struggle with your mental health, I know it helped me a lot.


End file.
